My Swimming Trunks Have Been Sucked Off — Full

I was minding my own business, floating blissfully in the shallow end of a wave pool. The artificial current was supposed to be a gentle "lazy river" vibe. What I didn't account for was the industrial-grade intake vent for the filtration system, hidden behind a decorative rock.

We have all had bad days at the pool. A belly flop that stings for hours. A diving board mishap that ends with a wedgie of epic proportions. But until last Tuesday, I considered myself immune to the specific, soul-crushing horror that can only be described by the phrase: My Swimming Trunks Have Been Sucked Off

: Ensure a snug fit around the iliac crest (hip bones). I was minding my own business, floating blissfully

I had only meant to cool off. The trunks were nothing special: a thrift-shop kind, faded stripes, the kind you buy because they fit and you like the way they don’t take themselves too seriously. They had been reliable up until that moment, which is to say they had never told me who they were or what they could do. Their elastic was the sort you trust without thinking about it. I hoped the tide was the same. We have all had bad days at the pool

The event typically unfolds in three distinct stages:

There are embarrassing moments, and then there are moments that redefine the word. Mine happened at exactly 2:47 PM on a crowded family beach in Florida.

If you find yourself "sans-trunks" in a public pool or ocean, stay calm and follow these steps: Stay Submerged: